Friday, July 2, 2010

The Husband Handbook: Chapter I

I haven't written anything on this blog yet, except for an introductory post. I've either been tired, or busy, or tired, or didn't deem whatever thoughts floating around in my head "blog-worthy", or I was tired. But, I can't simply just let this tiny piece of space laze around on the world wide web. I'm sure once I get into the swing of blogging again, my posts will flow more smoothly and consistently.
I don't think this blog is going to have a particular "theme", as some do. This isn't dedicated to my life as a mother and the time that I spend with our daughter and family. This isn't dedicated to my writing or art projects. I think it'll simply be a crockpot of crap digested from my head. :o) Appetizing, eh?

So, as to what I'm writing today. Even before I got married, even in previous relationships, I've referred to "The Husband Handbook", which is a book that has existed only in my mind, a rough guide to the do's and don't's of a relationship for men. For example, I might ask "Do I look fat in this?" and he might answer "Well, that shirt does look a little snug." And I would respond with, "You haven't read your 'Husband Handbook' have you?" Well, I started to actually write this little guide a couple of years ago, though it's never been a serious project. However, if it's well-received, I may do some real work on it. So, here's a little piece (or, pieces, rather). Share your opinions (as long as they agree with mine!) :o) (You'll understand that in a few.)

WARNING: The following blog is intended for entertainment purposes only. (Not.) If you are easily offended or otherwise just very sensitive to the battles between the sexes, or have no sense of humor, you should not continue reading. I make no apologies for the ridiculousness that swirls around in my head.
No, I am not a feminist.
No, I do not dislike men.
No, I am not a lesbian. Well, not completely...

(Disclaimer: All text appearing on the a-Typical blog, at the web address: are protected by copyright. Redistribution or commercial use is prohibited without express written permission.)

The Husband Handbook
Chapter I: I Do! (and you do too!)

Many times, my husband has said or done something he should know better than to do, or say. He's not in “boyfriend” territory anymore, where he can get away with doing certain things (that even then he should know better than to do, or say). He's enlisted into the partnership (Ruler-ship? Dictatorship?) called “Marriage”. :o) Upon enlisting, he should have received his handbook, but didn't. So many haven't. Tsk, tsk. And so I am presenting them with one. :o)

Chapter I:

I Do. (And you do too!)

Dear, dear, husbands, there are certain unwritten rules you must learn if you are to have a successful marriage. If you happen to believe in the theory that man (and woman) were created by God, then surely you must have figured out that you were the prototype, and women were the perfected creations. Everything revolves around us, women, and the sooner you come to terms with this, the happier your lives will be. That is not to say that we place ourselves on high thrones (that would take up way too much space in the living room), or think of ourselves as goddesses or queens (at least we won't openly admit that we do). But, you should treat us as such. Think of your woman as queen, and she will think of you as her king, I assure you. Try it.

For those that have taken the leap and vowed yourselves to a lifetime with one mate, 'til death parts you, you should know what it really means to say, “I do”.

  • You're Entitled to Your Own Opinion. (As long as it's the same as mine)

Most couples who choose to marry one another have already gone through the courting and dating process. It's in this time that you test the waters of compatibility. Most couples tend to share the same opinion on big issues, such as religion, political views, and family views; but, oh husbands, it's the smaller points that you must share as well.

It's all really a matter of “right” and “wrong”. When you don't share our opinions, this implies that you are right, and we are wrong. And this simply cannot be, for the wife is always right. That's a nice little rhyme to commit to memory, “The wife is always right, the wife is always right, hi, ho the dairy-o, the wife is always right.”

Here's a very minor scenario:

A husband and wife walk into a rug store to get a new area rug for their new living room. The wife spots a nice, colorful piece that allows them to choose any number of colors as accents for the room. She looks at her husband and says, “What do you think about this one?”

Her husband eyes the rug and replies, “I think it has a little too much red.”

She looks again. “, I don't think it does.”

He looks again, “Hmm...I do.” <------ This is not the correct response.

She frowns.

Let's try this again:

...She looks again. “, I don't think it does.”

He looks again. “I suppose you're right, do you want to get this one?”

She smiles, says yes, and gives him a hug and light kiss, thinking about the wonderful future they're going to have, living together, having a family, growing old and gray, blah blah blah. :o)

Now, let's just throw in another element to this scenario, just for deeper understanding:

The rug, does, in fact, have too much red, the wife realizes as it's laid out in their new living room.

She steps back, takes a long look at the rug and says, “Honey, I think there's a little too much red in it.”

Husband doesn't even look and says, “I told you.” <----Not the right response.

Wife frowns. Husband won't be getting any tonight.

Let's try that again:

“Honey, I think there's a little too much red in it.”

He looks at the rug again, knowing it did in the first place, but says, “You really think so?”

“Yeah...I guess you were right.” (score 1 for hubby)

“We can return it and get another if you'd like.” (Notice hubby doesn't outwardly recognize her admission of being wrong, but does a tiny dance in his head)

“Yes, I'd like that.” Wife smiles. Husband gets some later that night.

Now guys, you might think this is demeaning, deferring to your wife. This is absolutely not the case! (Yes, it is, but I think it's rude to openly say so.)

  • She does, You don't.

There are certain things that we (women/wives) are allowed to do, that you simply cannot. I'm not gonna lie, it's not fair, but these are the rules we live by.

Do you remember the episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel made their “ freebie list”? The “Freebie list” is the list of 5 celebrities that you can sleep with (should the opportunity present itself) and your partner can't get mad. Well, I think it's a bit silly and a little inappropriate and disrespectful to even make such a list. So, I won't share mine. :o) But, it's even more silly, inappropriate, and disrespectful for our husband's to make such a list. Why? Because no one could ever be as beautiful and desirable than your own wife. :o) So, even though I might daydream, or fantasize (or dedicate a locked room with plastered posters all over the walls and ceiling) of Viggo Mortensen or Robert Pattinson, hubby simply isn't allowed to do the same with any female, celebrity or otherwise. :o)

We (women/wives) are allowed to have male friends. They are only friends. Believe me, if we wanted them to be something more, we wouldn't be married to you. However, your having female friends is permissible only on a case-by-case basis. We have to meet them, converse with them, alone, get inside their heads, observe them in a crowd of men, and come to our own conclusions as to whether they can be in your (and our) life or not. This has nothing to do with jealousy, possessiveness, or control. This has nothing to do with a lack of trust on your part, but an uncertainty on theirs. Consider it a compliment. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but most of them are throw-backs. I'm awesome, we're awesome, each individual woman, and the fact that we chose you (our spouses) as a life-partner is enough to make any single (or unhappily married/committed) female attracted to you. :o)

We (women/wives) are allowed to forget important dates, you aren't. Though it doesn't happen very often (as it's scientifically proven that females are better multi-taskers), we can occasionally forget something important, like a birthday or anniversary. This is because we have so much on our plates. Yes, we know you do too, but we have more. If it should happen that we forget an important date, we will make it up to you, possibly for the next year until that date comes around again. We will make it up in ways you could only imagine, so go ahead, imagine away. However, you cannot forget important dates because though we are strong, resilient, goddess-like creatures, we are still quite fragile. (I will never openly admit that again, so soak it up) You can make it up all year, but we will never forget the time you forgot.

This is not the entire list, of course, but only a taste of we are allowed to do and you aren't. Now, some might say that these are simply double standards, to which I say, "WHAT!? No, they aren't." And you really shouldn't argue with me because, "The wife is always right." :o)
The list really isn't that long, and it's only there because we have only your best interests in mind. If any ladies, or men for that matter, would like to contribute to the list, please feel free to do so. This also isn't the completed chapter, but a sample of chapter one.


OK, well, I'm tired now. Until next post...adieu. :o)


  1. You're awesome, Akili! I chuckled many times at this blog.:) Good job, and very funny! (Oh, and TRUE.;))

  2. Can you send my husband a copy of your book?

  3. @ Rebekah, thanks. :o) I'll likely start working on this more.

    You guys are welcome to show your husband's this as well, I'd love their opinions (as they agree with yours). :o)

  4. Akili! I had a great time reading this, specially because I read it to my husband right after and although he just kinda stared me down, he did chuckle a lot. ;)

  5. Again a very interesting post and a precursor to a helpful handbook for husbands, although I don't have one of those... yet... :)