Thursday, January 27, 2011

Tsk. Tsk.

What a horrible blogger I am. It's been since October '10 since my last post.

I don't think I lack things to talk about, or write about, but I think I've been less than creative lately. And quite frankly, if I discussed the things that were really on my mind, this blog would be kind of a downer. And that is not its intent. What is the intention of this blog? Hell if I know, but it's not to be a dark cloud. An outlet for my amusing ramblings, art, ideas, useless information and observations, yes, I think so.

So, guess what...?
OK, I'll tell ya. To my surprise (not really), there's already a book out there called "The Husband Handbook"! So...any ideas on a new title? Please, share, 'cause I'm drawing a blank. And about "The Handbook", as I'll now refer to it, I've been coming up with nothing to add to it. My ideas just aren't flowing like they used to, and I deeply regret not writing down the ideas in regards to this little book. Actually, I think I did write them down, but I haven't the slightest idea where those scribbles might be.
So, while you're thinking up alternative titles, give me some ideas, OK? What are some "issues" concerning men, women, and marriage that you might want me to write about? What cute or confusing observations have you made? Do share. :o)

Whilst I was working on the aforementioned book with no title, I thought about a similar script for wives. So, I jotted down a few things, and I'll share those now, because I have nothing else to do.

Warning: The following is intended for entertainment purposes only. (Meh.) If you are easily offended or otherwise just very sensitive to the battles between the sexes, or have no sense of humor, you should not continue reading. I make no apologies for the ridiculousness that swirls around in my head.
Yes, I might be somewhat of a feminist.
Yes, I like men, especially Viggo Mortensen and David Gandy. Especially when David Gandy is wearing as little clothes as possible...mmmmmm...shit, I just drooled on the keyboard.
Yes, I'm a little bit of a lesbian. Just a little, like 60%. Maybe 75.

The Wife Pamphlet
Companion to Chapter One

Dear Lovely Ladies, Wonderful Wives (or those achieving excellence), in all fairness I cannot write "The Husband Handbook", and not take a look in the mirror at my own reflection as a wife. So, for us, I have decided to write The Wife Pamphlet. (To understand his wife, surely a man would have to read a book! For us, a pamphlet will do.) :o) Just as our husbands have committed to a life-long partnership and we have high expectations of them, we should have high expectations of ourselves, as wives, mothers, and women.
I would say our husbands don't have as many expectations on us (as we do them) because they have (in their hearts and minds) married their perfect mate. This thought makes me smile every time I think it, because I truly believe it to be true when men marry for love. (Keep in mind that not ALL men marry for love. You come up with whatever other reasons your imagination can muster. And some men simply think they've found love, only to realize it's something else entirely. A fail-proof test of true love is in how much a man wants/or would want, his wife to change. But this is a whole other subject entirely, one I do plan to write about, eventually). A friend of mine wrote, within the contents of her own blog, something that her father told her husband; wise advice from a happily married older gentleman: "Women go into marriage hoping that their man will change, men go in hoping their woman won’t." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Just as I said to the husbands, to treat their ladies as queens, so should we treat our husbands as kings. (However, men need to know that this is more like a chess game than a traditional hierachy. The queen rules the board!) :o) And while everything revolves around us (in the most positive of ways, of course!) we must not forget our husbands who do the revolving. Yes, they may not be perfect, and most of them are still in training, but they do love us, and deep down they really have the best of intentions. We must remember this. God, must we remember this! My own husband often has the best of intentions, but horrible execution (in my opinion...which is the one that matters), and I often have the urge to hit him across the head with a thick iron skillet, but, I too must try to remember the root of his intentions.
Not to relate men to dogs at all, (so don't take it like that when I relate this story) but I once had a dog, that, with the best of intentions, wanted to leave me loving gifts on the back porch. This dog was quite affectionate, and gave this gifts with the intentions of making me happy. Big dead rats on the steps (or the occassional dead bird) didn't exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy. This dog had good intentions, but the execution was poor.
Just as our husbands NEED to listen to us, truly hear us, we in turn need to be open, honest, and clear in our expectations and desires. OK, every now and again we can hint at that bracelet we might want, or that sweater we saw at the store a couple weeks ago, but for the most part, we need to make our desires, goals, feelings, hopes, and thoughts very clear. The male brain operates differently than the female brain. They need clear, concise directions and communication.

Below I am going to touch on some of things I wrote in my previous Handbook post, keeping the ladies in mind. Please refer to that previous post to know what the hell I'm talkin' about.

"You're entitled to your own opinion. (as long as it's the same as mine)"

Their opinion counts two. No, I didn't mis-type, their opinion counts about 2%. But that's at least something, and it counts too. :o) (OK, yeah, that was mean, but it was funny.) :o)
While we (wives) are usually right, as all nearly-perfect creations are expected to be, we aren't 100% correct, all the time. A husband's job is to let us think we are, our job is to know we aren't. I have absolutely no problem admitting that I am only right a percentage of the time. 98.54% to be exact. :o)
In all seriousness, we must remember to take our husband's considerations into account . Or at least, pretend to. Like, when you're decorating the bathroom, and for some unknown reason your husband suggests, with true sincerity, that you purchase towels or accessories that are the exact opposite of the style you've chosen. Take a moment and pretend to think it over, and let him down gently. (And remind yourself to do the shopping for the bathroom by yourself, but allow him to go to the Home Depot and pick out the toilet plunger.) In more serious cases, like when it comes to our feelings, or their interpretations of our feelings, remember their 2%. It is quite possible that you really are angry/sad/hurt/whatever, even if you don't recognize it at the time. I can't really think of any other examples, but remember, 2%. :o)

"She does, you don't."

But he can, and he should.
OK, so our guys can't think about other women, in any way, shape or form. Well, they can't think about any attractive women. :o)
They can't have any (attractive) female friends without our express permission.
They cannot forget important dates! (Yes, I drop contractions when I'm most serious!)

-But, he can and should have a "Guys Night Out", just as we should have and need to have special time with our girls. Women need to congregate with their girlfriends and do girl stuff that only girls can understand. Men need the same. God knows it's hard for us to understand them sometimes, they need to be with their own kind.
-He can and should have his room/area. Even if our guys are smart enough to let us decorate and accessorize the entire house (if that is a lady's desire), at least give them one room. They need their own space, they need something that can be entirely them, something with their signature on it. Apply this as you will, but there must be something in your house, yard, whatever/wherever you reside, that says his name all over it.
-He can and should have "quiet/free days", free of our opinions, demands, and questions. I find the male species quite interesting and intriguing, and I, like a lot of women have a lot of questions. Like, when you see that I obviously have all the silverware arranged in the drawer in a very deliberate manner, why, WHY would you put that spoon there!? Is that spoon going on an adventure in the silverware drawer? Is it a teenage spoon that's rebelling against the other spoons? Grrr!
Or, why would you leave just a sip of milk in the goddamn refrigerator!!!? WHY!!! I have gotten my cookies out on a plate, and arranged them with maximum appeal to fully enjoy my Oreo experience, and the only thing I need to complete this picture is a full glass of milk. A picture of happiness. The glass is on the counter, just asking to be filled. And then there's only an inch of milk that pours forth. WHY!!? For the love of all that is right and holy, WHY!!?
I have a lot of questions, and a lot of complaints. Sometimes they need a day off.

Men still cannot forget important dates, there's no way around that. Get a calender and circle the ones they're most likely to forget. You can help 'em out a little. :o)

Bottom line, treat him as good as he's supposed to (and should be) treating you.
And reward good behavior.
Cut them some slack, they aren't perfect. (How can they be if we are!?)
Remember, it's not give and take. It's give and give.

See, it's more of a pamplet, or leaflet, or post-it note. :o)

I'm tired and I'm going to sleep now. I promise the next post will come sooner than later. I'll try to write tomorrow, there are some things I've been meaning to say. :o)